The 7 Wellness Products I’ll Never F*ck With

Listen up, Drifters. This is your Fixer, Allie.

I’ve spent years in public health, swimming through the pseudoscience swamp and dodging MLM pitches like my life depended on it. I believe in science, not suffering, and in helping you feel better without needing a wellness bunker in your basement.

If you love any of the below, no shade. But if you’re clutching your wallet wondering what’s real? I got you. Let’s break this down...with receipts.

1. Red Light Therapy Helmets for Your Scalp

Price: $400–$3,000
Evidence: Limited. Mostly small-scale studies with short-term outcomes.
What the science says: Red light therapy might help with hair regrowth in androgenic alopecia… in men… over months of consistent use. But a 2021 review concluded that more randomized, blinded studies are needed before we crown it the hair savior (Haedersdal et al., Lasers in Surgery and Medicine, 2021).
Your move: Eat protein. Fix your iron. Chill out on the heat tools.

2. Ear Seeds

Claim: “They stimulate pressure points for anxiety, digestion, sleep, etc.”
Reality: They’re tiny stickers with literal seeds (or sometimes gold beads) placed on your ear based on Traditional Chinese Medicine.
Evidence: One 2020 review of auriculotherapy (that’s the fancy name) found inconclusive support for its effectiveness beyond placebo (Evidence-Based Complementary and Alternative Medicine, 2020).
Your move: If you’re using this instead of managing your stress with actual tools (hydration, boundaries, professional help), that’s where it becomes a problem.

3. Lymphatic Drainage Wands

Claim: “Boosts detox and reduces bloat!”
Reality: Your lymph system is self-cleaning. It doesn't get “clogged.”
Evidence: According to the Cleveland Clinic, “Your body naturally moves lymph through your system with muscle movement and breathing. You do not need external tools to ‘drain’ it.”
Your move: Save your money. Go for a walk. Eat fiber. Poop. Done.

4. Mushroom Coffee That Tastes Like Regret

Claim: “Adaptogens for focus and calm!”
Reality: Some functional mushrooms (like lion’s mane, reishi, cordyceps) do have promising early research, but most coffee blends use sub-therapeutic doses and contain zero published clinical data.
Evidence: A 2020 review in Frontiers in Pharmacology said it best: “More rigorous clinical trials are needed before firm conclusions can be drawn.”
Your move: Want benefits? Eat them whole or use products with real dosages. Bonus: Taste won’t make you cry.

5. Supplement Stacks That Look Like Multivitamin Jenga

Claim: “Support every system in your body!”
Reality: Most of these are overlapping, underdosed, and not regulated. A 2022 study found that over 30% of U.S. adults use 4 or more supplements daily and up to 20% experience ingredient interactions (JAMA Network Open, 2022).
Your move: More ≠ better. It’s chaos. You're not a supplement shelf.

✅ At DriftLab, we design fewer, smarter products so you can bounce back without the pill fatigue.

6. Chlorophyll Drops in Your Water

Claim: “Detoxes, clears skin, deodorizes you internally!”
Evidence: The most-cited study is from 1980, using chlorophyllin (a derivative) in patients with fish odor syndrome (Gastroenterology, 1980).
Reality: You are not a tuna can.
Your move: There is zero evidence it detoxes you. Your liver and kidneys handle that. Like… by design.

7. Cold Plunges 

Claim: “Boosts dopamine 500%, reduces inflammation, changes your life.”
Evidence: Yes, one small 2000s study found a 250% spike in dopamine, but it was in 3 people after a 1-hour winter swim (Nautical Psychiatry, 2000). That's not the same as a 2-minute tub on Instagram.
Reality:The benefits? Real... if you're an elite athlete or need post-exertion recovery. But daily plunges for regular folks? It’s mostly just stressful.
Your move: You want the same benefits? Try sleep. And maybe a warm shower.

The Final Word

The wellness industry wants you confused, overcommitted, and broke. That’s why DriftLab exists:

To be the brand that isn’t lying to you.
To say “hell no” when the science says “meh.”
To help you hydrate, heal your gut, and feel better without spending your rent money on laser hats.

XO THIS HAS BEEN YOUR FIXER.
CATCH YOU NEXT TIME, DRIFTERS.

References (IRL science, not Instagram):

• Haedersdal M et al. (2021). Lasers in Surgery and Medicine. [PMID: 34000459]

• Zhou Y et al. (2020). Evid Based Complement Alternat Med. [doi:10.1155/2020/8181239]

• Pomeranz B, Chiu D. (2001). The American Journal of Chinese Medicine.

• JAMA Network Open. (2022). Supplement use in U.S. adults: [doi:10.1001/jamanetworkopen.2022.30518]

• Cleveland Clinic. “Lymphatic Drainage: What You Need to Know.”

• Thestrup-Pedersen K. et al. (1980). Gastroenterology.

• Shevchuk NA. (2008). Med Hypotheses. Cold showers as a treatment for depression.